Beautiful Words

A couple of passages I read recently really struck me that I wanted to share:

“I will miss you, he said, and his words was both honey and poison, sun and moon in the same sky.” (Thrity Umrigar’s The Story Hour)

Dedication in W.M. Paul Young’s The Shack:
“This story was written for my children: Chad – the Gentle Deep, Nicholas – the Tender Explorer, Andrew – the Kindhearted Affection, Amy – the Joyful Knower, Alexandra (Lexi) – the Shining Power, Matthew – the Becoming Wonder”

The Little Details

I am feeling especially sentimental and nostalgic about Baby A. Perhaps it’s because his second birthday is approaching and the next baby is coming soon. Wearing just his onesie and diaper yesterday it struck me how he’s lost all his baby fat. He now has longer, leaner limbs, when not too long ago he had pudgy hands and thighs. I loved his baby fat. He was always a little chubbier than J had been.
I want to capture how he is right at this moment, before I forget the details.
While he’s always been an easy going, happy baby, he’s now developing a bit more of a “personality”. He has a temper, for certain, especially when he can’t get something to fit together properly, like his Special Agent Oso Rapide train. He’s a smiler, although he’s becoming a bit shyer. I especially love the dimple in his left cheek! When he smiles he looks almost mischievous, and he often laughs a wicked laugh, like when he’s trying to get someone to chase him or play peekaboo. He prefers to play with cars, trucks, trains, or bounce and/or kick balls. He tries to play with J often, and mimic everything that he does, even though J is quick to dismiss him. He seems to take everything in stride, although he’s now beginning to fight back when J is being unfair or mean.
I don’t want to forget how excited he gets when an episode of Special Agent Oso comes on, shouting “Ofo! Ofo!” or how enthusiastic he is when he throws his hands up in the air for the “if you’re happy and you know it shout ‘Hooray!’ He’s a cuddler and it seems like he’s going to be protective of the ones he loves. Speaking of “loves”, his love of the soother is still going strong, and I don’t want to forget how he likes to manipulate the soother string so that it is in between the soother and his lip, rubbing the bottom of his nose just so. His vocabulary is expanding daily and he’s growing so fast overall. I don’t know where the last two years went and already I can barely remember him as a baby.
I hope that becoming an older brother doesn’t change him in any dramatic or negative way. He’s a mix of sweet and trouble all rolled up into one beautiful package. I realize that he’s going to continue to grow up, as he should, and if nothing else, I want to document and share all these little details that I love about him.

Travels with two

I don’t know how people do it…travel with young children that is.
Traveling with one child is manageable in my opinion.  The odds are in your favor at least. But when it’s two for two, it’s not so easy.  Maybe it was just the ages and stages that mine are at that made it so challenging.  J is just over 3 now and A is almost 1.
From day one of the “vacation” J kept asking to go home. I was floored. Neither one cared much for the beach.  I guess it was the intense heat too, since they were both flushed within a minute or two of being outdoors.  J has been to the beach before (he enjoyed it just last summer), but A had never been in sand or the ocean.  On the departing flight, both boys were behaved, coming back was a very different story.
Here’s what I learned from the experience:
1.  It might have helped to have verbally prepared J in advance for the trip (i.e.: by telling him we would be going on a plane and to the beach, what happens at each place, etc.) (He’s a kid that likes his routine.)
2. The earlier flight times worked better – earlier in the day, the kids were less cranky and it’s a lot easier to deal with less cranky kids on the plane where you are confined to space and don’t want them screaming all flight long
3. The things you expect to be problems, aren’t, and things you don’t expect are problems – I anticipated that sleep would be an issue for the two, but surprisingly that was very manageable. What I hadn’t anticipated were things like: a) neither child enjoying the heat, b) both being afraid of the water, c) J having tantrums traveling from one place to the other
4. Long waiting and/or long sitting times contributed to the tantrums – checking in at the airport took forever (thanks to the long line to go through U.S. Customs on the way to the U.S.); coming back I allowed J a lot of time to move and explore, etc. before making him sit for hours
5. I had an arsenal of toys and activities at the ready to entertain the kids and I could have saved a little of that space. J was amused mostly with the portable DVD player and a toy or two for the flight. A was content playing with spoons, water bottles, etc.
6. Perhaps J and A would have benefited from some exposure to water and sand right before the trip. I’m sure both boys would have had a little bit more fun at the beach had they have been a little bit more familiar with the sand and water. Hindsight is 20/20.

The first born

Now having had a second child, I have the opportunity to see where I might have gone wrong the first time around and attempt to improve my approach this go around.

(Being the first born myself, I’ve learned first hand how firstborns tend to be the guinea pigs.  And in many ways, my siblings had it easier than me. I’m sure this statement would rouse a rowdy debate for sure. Nevertheless, that’s certainly been my perspective.)

My first born, J, is so very different from A.  From day one he was always more shy and serious.  He’s sweet, sensitive, and tends to keep to himself.  He was considered to be ‘late’ with most of his major milestones – crawling, standing, walking, talking, eating solids, etc.  To date, we still have a lot of difficulty with his sleeping and eating.  Despite his perceived ‘delays’ he is unquestionably smart – smart especially in ways you almost wish he wasn’t.  But no matter what, he is clearly an observer more than a participator.  Who knows…all this may change about him, or not.

Going back to my initial statement, I have found myself reflecting a lot lately on the things I could have done better as a parent with J.  Too often, I catch myself pondering the what ifs over and over in my mind to no avail.  What if I’d introduced a variety of solids earlier? What if I hadn’t gotten into a puree rut?  etc. Would things be any different? How much of his behaviours is ‘him’ and how much of his behaviours is thanks to the way he was raised? How do I ensure that he is on par with his peers by the time he starts school?

I know there are no easy answers for any of these questions, and I know not to be hard on myself…but all mothers feel guilty for even the smallest, inconsequential things.  It’s funny how it’s not his distant future that worries me so much (somehow I have faith and hope that he’ll grow to be a smart, capable young man), but rather the immediate future.  

Will his speech delay persist? Will he learn to feed himself and eat “normal” food? Will he always wake through the night? Will he always be on the smaller side? Will he be teased at school? etc.

It’s questions that I have, but answers that I need.  Yet there’s no book out there that addresses J’s specific needs.  How could there be? There’s no other J out there.  He’s special, he’s beautiful, and he’s all mine. 

All I can do is continue to do my best and continue to hope that it will all work out somehow.  He’ll be fine…just as I’m fine (although some may argue otherwise) ; )

“How stoic and …

“How stoic and constant Mother was, how seething and unfathomable…she had never been so angry with anyone and never wanted anyone to love her as much as she wanted Hattie’s love. But Hattie was always so remote, like a receding shore as a ship moves farther out to sea.” – Ayana Mathis The Twelve Tribes of Hattie

I love the description and imagery Mathis uses here.  What a beautiful way to depict Bell’s desperate longing.

To teach or not to teach

For the third year in a row I’ve been excessed from my school.

(I realize that I should be grateful that I have a job, however I don’t just want “a job.”) 

Here’s my dilemma.

I want to teach, and I know I want to teach English (preferably at my current school).  English is my passion.  It’s what I’m good at (aside from any spelling/grammatical/stylistic error you may find herein). 

(Believe me, there are many times (particularly when marking is high, and energy is low) when I wish I was good at math, or science or gym, etc.  Why oh why must I only be “good” at the subject that involves the MOST marking?!?)

Anyway, given the uncertainty of what/where I will be teaching come September, it has forced me to really think about whether I still want to teach, if I’m not able to teach English, or if I’m not able to remain at my current school.  (This isn’t a decision I’m taking lightly.)  I know that my place is in the secondary panel, rather than the elementary panel.  And I know that I’m happy where I am.  What I don’t know is whether I’ll be forced to accept a position elsewhere, teaching something other than English.  Any change (either of location or subject matter) will require a lot of preparation, and I just don’t have the time outside of my working hours.  What will that mean?  Additionally, I’d like to also incorporate more writing into my already packed schedule.  How do I go about doing that too?

Interestingly enough, when I was at the Faculty of Ed, we were all told that teachers are professionals that have so many skills, needed in so many other workplaces/industries, etc. and that our skills would be transferrable to a variety of other professions, yet why is it that I don’t know what else I’d do other than teach?

This brings my to the saying I’ve heard before: those who can, write, and those who can’t, teach.  I, most definitely, disagree with this statement, but how do I go about doing both?  Can my identity be both (English) teacher and writer? Or are they mutually exclusive for me?

Baby Modelling not for the introverted, fainthearted parent

Both my sons are registered at a modelling agency.  I thought it would be nice for them to earn a little money, to put towards their education fund, doing what they do best – just being cute.  Little did I know, baby modelling turned out to be more work for me (and not just being cute), rather than for them. The task of getting either of them to smile or laugh falls to me for the most part.  So I’m left to sing, dance, make faces and voices, play peekaboo, and prance around in front of crowds of people in the hopes that I will get even just a hint of a grin.  I’m often left in a full sweat (and fully embarrassed) with minimal results at best. 

Shouldn’t I be the one getting paid then?

I never thought I would stay “Stop reading!” to my child

Let me explain.

First of all, my son is not actually reading yet. He’s only 3 years old.  What he is doing is spending literally hours turning the pages of his multitude of books at naptime. 

Perhaps you don’t see the real problem here. 

Let me elaborate. 

Rather than sleeping, he is at his books.  This would be a wonderful scenario if his lack of sleep didn’t lead to other problems later in the evening and even later into the wee hours of the next morning.  But unfortunately that’s not the case.

As an English teacher, I’d love it if I could simply say that my son can’t help but be drawn to the printed word; every chance he has, he reads, reads and reads.  Again, this isn’t the case.  At least not yet, anyway. Instead he’s turning to his books, because he would rather do anything BUT sleep. 

Is this an entirely bad thing?  Perhaps not. 

But how can I instill the love of reading AND the love of sleep in my child?

(While we’re at it, how can I get him to eat real food too?)

My running to do lists

I have heard that moms are notorious for having the non-stop, nagging to-do list running in their heads at all times.   I sometimes wish this sad fact didn’t apply to me, but it does.  It is this list that sometimes keeps me up at night and only adds to my stress level.  I have numerous lists going at different times and in different places.  This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve kept to-do lists going, but I can say that the number and variety of lists that I keep has expanded exponentially.  Before my lists might have entailed what I had to do for school, and my chores, etc.  Once I got married, those lists became what I had to do for work and what I had to do at home.  Now the lists have expanded to: what I have to do for work (much longer than I’d care to admit), and what I have to do at home (subdivided into: grocery lists for separate stores, writing topics list, Christimas/gift list, questions for doctors lists, household to-do tasks, retail shopping lists, issues to tackle with respect to my eldest list, the honey-do list, the list of various passwords, the books I’ve read, and somewhere near the bottom of all these lists are my wish list, and bucket list).  So are all my lists a sign of some degree of OCD? Or something even more serious? Or perhaps it’s just a symptom of what I often dub “mommy-brain?”  Just looking at my list of lists is exhausting! Now how do you think it feels to never actually be able to check off enough items off my lists?  Instead they just keep getting longer and longer.  I know for a fact that I never tackle the household duties list; instead it just keeps getting longer.  And forget ever getting to the writing topics list, never mind the bucket-list.  Guess those are more like lifetime to do lists.

The list that generates the most mental anguish for me at the moment is the list of things that I need to tackle regarding my eldest son which entails: potty training, getting rid of his pacifier, full transition to big boy bed, and eating issues (which is a separate list altogether).  Like most issues I’ve come across with respect to Julian, they just get tackled in time and if not, the issues sort of morph over time. They’ll either become a cause or effect of another issue and will either lessen or become worse in need to tackle.  Regardless, there are more issues that I can reasonably tackle and certainly not by my proposed due date of my back to work start date (a mere 3 months away).   So what do I do? Would you propose a list burning bonfire? And just let fate do what it will?  If so, what do I do at night when the to-do lists begin to spin and turn and grow over and over in my head preventing sleep?

 

Not the ideal beginning

Today has been one of THOSE days. A day where I probably should have (God knows I wanted to) just stayed in bed, pulled the covers up over my head and let sleep work some miracles.
Unfortunately, that’s not how the day has gone. Both boys were up at their usual time (7 or so) and it’s felt like a count down to bedtime ever since. I’m finding it difficult to do all that I have to do…feed them, change them, etc. Despite my gloomy, weather-like mood, I had tried to schedule a work out in. Don’t know where the energy would have come from for it, but I tried to sneak one in nevertheless. The only catch was that it would require both boys to be napping, since Mike is working out of the house today. Wouldn’t you know that today would be the day that neither of the boys would want to go to sleep and sleep like babies? (Who invented that term anyway?) So now I’ve been forced to reschedule my session for today. And the minute I did so, my eldest fell fast asleep. (Someone tell me the truth: do our children plot to conspire against us sometimes?)
For the past couple of weeks, I have been trying, with the help of a coach, to get back into shape. Most will scoff at this and say that I’m in decent shape already. Regardless, it really comes down to how I feel about myself and my needs. My main goals are to: tone up (especially my mid-section), have more energy, and boost my mood. In order to reach these goals, I’ve already commited to doing 2 work outs per week with my coach, and 2 group-ex classes per week at the gym. Not to mention watching what I eat. Thus far, I’ve been relatively successful. My mood and energy level have improved. (For the exception of days like today, that is.) My workouts with my coach have been tough, but I’ve made it through them (suprising to me) and I’ve noticed some slight changes in my body. More importantly I’ve been feeling a little bit better about myself. Overall, I’ve been keeping to my commitment to drink my water and watch what I eat, and stick to one cheat day. Could I do even better? Sure. But I’m pleased with my output so far.
Now if I could somehow transform the rest of today, maybe I wouldn’t keep watching the clock and counting down the hours till I hit my oh-so-sweet-pillow once more. Because I’m sure my boys have another plan in mind 😉